The last couple weeks have been a blur.  An exciting and fun blur, but a blur all the same.  The work load (for me at least) is very manageable.  My time is just very filled.  I start most days at 6:15-6:30 am and get home about 12-14 hours later.  The exceptions are Tuesdays and Fridays, I get home usually after I pick up the kids.

I think my favorite part so far has been the "E-shop" hours I complete for my Graduate Assistantship.  It is like a test kitchen specifically for the lighting graduate students.  We didn't have a lot going on at the beginning of the year because the "1st slot" wasn't filled this year.  Because of this, my supervisor has been testing our skills related to getting the work done in the shop.  Knot tying, Soldering, Lighting Maintenance, and lots of other random things have been the core of this work, while also picking the mind of my supervisor who is just wildly talented at entertainment technology, its been a great way to learn and get caught up in changes that I couldn't keep up on while I was teaching.

In 5 weeks, I have

1. Visited Sea World and toured behind the scenes of Howl-o-Scream
2. Arranged for an opportunity to see how parade lighting is done at Disneyland
3. Have a tour scheduled to see Knott's Berry Farm's Haunted Houses
4. Attended a Themed Entertainment Conference
5. Earn my Certification in Vectorworks
6. Have my first design meeting for the first lighting design at SDSU, and all the work I never knew I could do before meeting a director
7. Took a masterclass on lighting protocols and hue

Not to mention all the collegial discussions about all the different advanced topics that come with the industry.  It didn't take me long to remember why I was so in love with the college level of teaching.  Sure, there are students there that do not give a flying hoot about anything, but the majority of grad students (and many of the undergrad students I've worked with) are here to push boundaries and implement things that may have never been done before.

Do I miss teaching?  Yes.  Do I miss all the students I have worked with over the last few years?  Of course!  I think the exciting part of all that I am doing is that I know amid EVERYTHING going on, there is still places where we can all thrive and move forward and grow.  It won't be the inhumane treatment that we hear about day in and out that sticks with me when I leave, it will be the amazing stories, the strength of the people around me in the face of such trying times, and the fact that I can utilize my privilege to protect and amplify those voices in such a time that makes me glad to be where I am, when I am.

With all that being said, I think its important to start to come to connect my "online" persona with my professional one.  In part, this is because the work I am doing now I want to include as a part of my work online, and in part, I am tired of hiding from bullies who have made me fearful of me being me.  So for those who don't know, I also go by the pseudonym "AkwardHero" in the gaming community as a gaming, 3D printing and design.  You can find me on Twitch, Youtube, and Tiktok.   I used to update Instagram as well, but I am focusing that more towards this site and the work I do as a lighting designer.  Its time to stop hiding.  Its time to stop compartmentalizing.  Akwardhero and Jason M. Stahl have always been the same person, but I have been to scared of these terrorist organizations who target teachers and educators who believe in radical things like empathy and caring for others.  I have seen too many hurt for standing alongside the LGBTQIA+, People of Color and other groups who are persecuted for simply existing and I thought that I could be an effective advocate while protecting my family, but it left me feeling fragmented and now that I have my life shifting away from what it was to what I want it to be, I'm gonna embrace the two as a single identity, and publish it for the world to see. 

​Today is the first day of classes for my MFA in Lighting Design.  So naturally the schedule has to be filled to make for a fun first day.  Coincidentally, it was also my first day with a new therapist, and while the session was just filled with intake questions, it was hard to recount all the same information I feel I have recounted many times before.  But I think its a good reminder before classes start that things that are good for you typically aren't easy.

I am definitely feel the imposter syndrome today / yesterday.  Could not sleep a wink.  I laid down at 10pm and was still laying there at 2am.  Its hilarious to me that after 13 years of being an arts-based educator, I am second guessing my ability to be an arts-based educator.  I have the skills, I have the knowledge and I have the work ethic, so what's the deal brain?

However, after last week's orientation and trauma-bonding with my fellow first years, I think I am solidified in one truth.  I chose the right place to be.  It will be hard, I will likely want to cry/stress/give-up, but if ever a place to do so, it is surrounded by the people I am currently with.  The second and third years in the program are super supportive and my first year team are just a wide-variety of talented individuals.  And I actually feel like all the professors here want to see you succeed, which wasn't always the case in the past, or maybe it was just because I was online with my last degree.

Anyway, here is to the next 3 years.  Here is to achieving lifelong dreams.  Here is to giving it my all.